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New Book About Cutting Released May 2007 [08 May 2007|05:22pm]

My name is Vanessa and I have struggled with anorexia for 20 years and self-injury for more than 30 years. In a quest to understand the reasons behind my behavior, I entered an intensive therapy program and the insight I gained was so valuable, I decided to share my story with others. Comes the Darkness, Comes the Light is a story of self-injury and redemption. By understanding some of the root causes behind my self-injury, I was able to go forward on a path to healing and have just celebrated my first year injury free!

I would love to have you visit my blog and respond to some of my entries!
The pain

yet another update....wooo [06 Feb 2007|08:36pm]
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i don't know.
i feel like everything isn't real.
i'm not real
like this isn't even happening.
i have no touch on reality anymore.
i'm kinda freaked out.

but anyway.
went to the gym ran a mile and did some weight training.
the usual.
not enough though

bought some soymilk.
100cals per 8oz.
going to have that every morning cos i'm extremely calcium deficient.
i almost black out often.

i hate myself.
i know that's cliche.
but honest to god.
i hate myself.
and am i even in existence?
does this exist?
maybe i'm talking to myself.
i think i'm getting worse.
sometimes i think my hands are disappearing
The pain

[29 Jan 2007|03:37pm]
i keep having like hallucinations.
i thought i was bleeding from my side today
i was so freaked out.
that's when i normally cut.
but i couldn''t.
i didn't have anything to cut with.
i forgot it at home.
today sucked.
and the boy isn't talking to me.
i'm so fucking depressed.
i got hopeful that maybe someone finally liked me maybe would love me
and i got shutdown again
only this time i get the cold shoulder
i hate life
i HATE it.
i wish i would just DIE already!
somebody KILL me
1 feel| The pain

um... [27 Jan 2007|06:10am]

[ mood | blank ]

I didn`t cut since november. I know I cannot do it. Because I cut too deep and scars are still itching.
Thinking about it all the time.

I want to be strong. I promised ;(

1 feel| The pain

[24 Jan 2007|09:53pm]
how did i get this low?
i had a rule.
if i cut at all.
it's at home.
i fucking did it before school and in school.
and i ae macncheese :[ i made it with 1tsp. butter-23.3cals and instead of milk i used water so it was better but then i also had oreos and peanut butter.
i'm so worthless.
i'll never love myself.
i'll never feel good about stuff that other people wouldn't think twice about (the oreos and pb) >:'[
also today we went in the dark room for photography.
i had a panic attack.
i think only one kid noticed.
but i was honestly freaking out on the verge of tears.
mehhh gots to put new bandage on my finger.
i'm so stupid =\ 
2 feel| The pain

[22 Jan 2007|12:32pm]
this song is me. it says how i feel. it made me cry.

They've clipped my wings again
Tore them apart and then
Left me
No use to fly away to
My yesterday
Of freedom
My eyes died back that day
Seeing the hurt I may have done
Beat me instead of them
Pain is my only zen
Of fun

I'll go where secrets are sold
Where roses unfold
I'll sleep as time goes by

So hurting here is where I belong dreaming a song
Blood on my hands to stay strong
The flowers in the graveyard are all gone I don't belong
There is no right to heal the wrong
Soup's on hot feelin' like a do or die
I can't throw up don't think i even want to try

You still can't make me cry
You've pinned this butterfly
My fire's burning out
Kill my flame without
A frown
And starving hurts the soul
When you're hungry for
Some love
So if I close my eyes
I can really fly

I'll go where secrets are sold
Where roses unfold
I'll sleep as time goes by

So hurting here is where I belong dreaming a song
Blood on my hands to stay strong
The flowers in the graveyard are all gone I don't belong
There is no right to heal the wrong
Soup's on hot feelin' like a do or die
I can't throw up don't think I even want to
Tryyy- tryyyy- tryyyyyy
-Katy Rose

9 feel| The pain

[21 Jan 2007|09:24am]
hi. i'm new.
i don't know if anyone cares.
i mean i'm obviously not the coolest kid in the world.
universe in fact.
just want to know.
what you do when people find out.
cos now. i have counseling like 3 times a week.
probably going to be on meds.
and i also was wondering why some of you do it.
if you don't mind me asking.   
6 feel| The pain

[05 Jan 2007|06:49am]

Hello again. I hope Holidays was fun.

I just felt like posting here, so...
In fact I`m scared a little. I`m gonna tell my friend about my cuts so I`m scared...
She is really nice. She is a warm person. I know she`ll understand. I just don`t wanna her to be shocked, because she`s really precious to me.

Be well.
1 feel| The pain

[12 Oct 2006|01:02am]

[ mood | tired ]

Not too lively here, eh? Well, it should be, I suppose.

I`m still struggling. Because I REALLY want to find a job, good job, I want to be able to support myself. Then maybe move out and... fall in love?
Oh I wanna start a new life.

I wonder if I can. Wonder if I can find someone who`ll accept me.

Keep telling myself: "Hold on, hold on".... Still...

Oh well.

1 feel| The pain

Think I`ll be here for a while. [19 Sep 2006|05:36pm]

Oh well. Hello everybody. I`m gonna be short coz my english is not so good (really sorry for that).

My life was pitch black until I was 17, my parents were fighting over and over again. And then... I was... thirteen I think. My mom kept on telling me that I am just an eyesore and should just go away or die. She was angry and frustrated but those words were just too much. So I ran away, crying. It was winter so it was really cold outside, and I decided to go into forest and then freeze to death there. Nice plan, eh?
Well I spent almost 2 hours lying under some big tree and thinking that I`m not even brave enough to die. I was in this forest carrying my schoolbag and there was a razor. Due to anger I hurt myself with it and then I felt at peace. Still don`t know why. And all bad things are just started to fade away. Pain was refreshing, thanks to pain I knew that I was alive.

So in the end I didn`t die there - as you can see now. But still, whenever I feel confused I always cut myself and then there is always peace. I just need more and more. Can`t stop myself, really. Can`t talk to my friends about something like that. Wondering why am I doing it and still doing it. It`s cold outside half a year so I don`t mind wearing something like roll-neck sweater, but still... still it`s scary looking at my arms and legs sometimes.

Oh well.
2 feel| The pain

Hey there. [06 Aug 2006|11:50pm]

[ mood | blah ]

I thought I would share a poem I wrote.
Even though it doesn't have anthing to do with self-harm 
because I haven't had a strong urge to do it in awhile, which is good, I guess.

Thanks for reading.
The pain

[06 Sep 2005|12:07pm]

[ mood | tired ]

hey there,
i'm Natalie,22 years old.i suffer from bipolar disorder (manic depression)since i was 13,but it just gets crazier and deeper as time goes by.i also have OCD,GAD and an ED;i also used to self-injure;went through sexual abuse in my childhood.I've been on vivactil,wellbutrin,effexor,signopam,zoloft,rispolept,remeron,clonazepam,seroxat,clonazepam,stimuloton and so on.Hospitalized several times.I guess i will be starting lithium or seroquel this week and i'm terribly worried as i always greatly suffer from the side effects.
i'm a student and the subject i'm studying is Russian (my native)language and literature.
i'm collecting angels and butterflies.
i love music,cinema and theatre,travelling,writing and receiving letters,reading,drawing,being with my friends.
i'd love to find friends to snail mail with,who understand what i'm going through,so that we could support and help each other.Please e-mail me at skinlikevelvet@rambler.ru,so that i would give you my address.
sorry it's X-posted like crazy:(

2 feel| The pain

havent cutt in so long! [28 May 2005|04:48pm]

[ mood | blah ]

a new break through! havent cutt in almost a month i think! awsome. but i get the urge to cutt not only when i have bad feelings or stressed, but when im bored too. is this normal. do any of u guys exerience this as well?

2 feel| The pain

[25 May 2005|05:58pm]

Im not feeling as totaly hoplessly depressed as last week, but my weight is realy bothering me.

Everyone at course has suddenly started saying how fat _they_ are and how much _they_ need to go to the gym.. I dont know if this is my fault or if its winter weathers fault or what the hell is going on. No-one will believe how fat I am..

Although in saying that.. I went to grab some of my fat that is just above my hipbones.. those handle thingys.. and they werent there!! What the hell!! I have noticed lately that when I put my hands on my hips that they feel different..

My mum sent me some jerseys and termal tops, I was kind of sad because she still thinks Im bigger. It made me sad because she dosnt know how sick I might look in comparison to before. She knows Ive lost weight but still misjudges the sizes of tops.. I am a freak.

My cockatieal Kurtis is stitting on my beeanie eating fluff off it.. I was scared he was sick thismorning.. He did this little cough noise a bit.. I was quite scared all day that when i got home he'd be worse.. He seams alright now though. He gets so lonely during the day when Im not here
The pain

[22 May 2005|06:10pm]

odd... Yesterday morning I had some diet coke when I woke up.. then while in the shower I stated feeling _realy_ bad, like realy terrible shakes, dizzyness, intense nautiousness, and a huge amount of weakness.. I just managed to crawl out of the shower and over to the toilet when I started vomiting bile..

I _acutaly_ have no idea why this happened!!? I only had a little bit of fiet coke, and I used to live on the stuff. Needless to say I hadnt actualy eaten for 36hrs + but that shouldnt have mattered!!

Hahahh let the wierd body sicknesses continue..
The pain

[20 May 2005|10:46pm]

cals consumed to day: 30

I just saved myself from writting shitty/hurty/angry emails to steve. I had one sentence that was what I realy wanted to say about the date of a gig coming up and like 4other sentences I kept changing because they sounded too angry, or too manipulative about how badly he has been treating me. I am NOT manipulative. So I just deleted them all and said the most basic first sentence I could.

I dont think he will ever want to see me again. He has built himself a new life, with poser friends who dont _realy_ value him. They just want to use him for his networks in bands and with gigs. He is becoming what he has always despised and I dont know if he sees it or if its unconcious, but its scaring the hell out of me. This is _seriously_ killing me. He SENT me up here, with no friends, no knowledge of this city, on the pretense that he would be here too. That we would support each other, I would help him out with his label, do everything I could to embrace our friendship. He even led me to believe that if I moved up here then us finaly getting together would be more probable. Now he wont even say a compleate sentence to me. He is killing himself (his soul) and it is (physicaly) killing me

I feel so weak. In the last 3days Ive had like 500cals combined. I dont care. Killing myself to help him is worth it. He needs to realise whats realy important - he used to know, but now? I am going to do all I can, _EVERYthing_ I can to save him. To wake him up out of the mist he is in and help him go back to what he was. When he had ambition, when he knew where he was going and what was realy important to him. When he said that friendship was everything and meant it.

I have 4weeks to go. This weekend will consist of diet soda - Instead of yucky tap water :)

Even without overdoses, hospital visits and phsyc wards, life is _still_ so painfull.
The pain

[19 May 2005|08:43pm]

Killing myself one day at a time, so he realises _hes_ in trouble.
The pain

[18 May 2005|09:30pm]

If anyone has battled/is battling an ED

Could you please share how many calories was normal for you to eat a day?
especialy a severely restricting ilnesses such as ana, (or even restricting phases of EDnos)
The pain

[17 May 2005|07:56pm]

I can seriously feel myself getting sicker and sicker. For the last few weeks I have become obsessed even more than usual with calorie intake and what the scale says. Obsessed with looking at myself in the mirror to see if anymore cheekbone is visible than before..

I havnt posted here in a while.. But I think Im going to start again. There dosnt seam to be many ppl around which is about the same as last time I started posting heaps.

Im very very poor, and people at course keep buying me food! Its so nice I want to cry, they shouldnt buy me things, its their money, they deserve it not me. Ive even been forced by tutors to take their money to buy food. I almost feel like a whore when that happens. They wave $20 at me and urge "take it!!"

Dispite not being able to afford alot of food, I restrict myself harshly anyway. a normal person in my situation would probably buy somthing cheap and sustaining to see them through the week, like rice.. I am obsessed tho with calories and sometimes it scares me.. Here I am lucky to be able to afford to eat on certain days - and Im choosing foods that only have 20 or 40cals in them.. People buying me food say thats not enough, take somthing else, and I feel so bad for doing so. "here have a pie, you need to eat _somthing_" Ordinarily Id be glad with _only_ eating a pie in a day. But now Im stating to feel disgusted, that those 300cals a day are too many.

I think starting to write in my community here again will do some good :) Obviously its hard to talk about these things to outsiders who dont understand. "you DONT have a weight problem!!! so just stop it!!" yeah, they dont see what I realy look like do they. No

Peace out
2 feel| The pain

Stop doing this to me. [15 May 2004|02:09am]

To those of you who know me in real life. Fuck you.

This was a personal community, you have no rite to go parading around that you know all my problems, you have no rite to spy on me. You have no rite to tell other people about its existance, no matter 'how bad you feel'. How do you think *I* feel..? Why do you think these things *were not* public knowledge?!

My life is not a public billboard, please stop treating it like it is.

I have been totaly humiliated and mortified by people other than those directly involved knowing intimite details of my life. Those directly involved KNOW THEY ARE, they are not self-proclaimed saviours who *think* they need to know everything thats going on in my life, just so that they can tell people and drag out problems for longer than they should last. Those directly involved have a _right_ to know, no-one else.

Fuck you, I didnt even want the important ppl involved finding out most of my life. How do you think I feel, knowing that my whole life is now public knowledge.

I just wanted to get on with my life and have a place to vent. Fuck you all for turning it against me. My target audience relied on the fact the community was not friends only. I need this place. Is nothing sacred anymore?

I hope you like the concequences. I dont. They will be with me to the day I die.
2 feel| The pain

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