New Book About Cutting Released May 2007

My name is Vanessa and I have struggled with anorexia for 20 years and self-injury for more than 30 years. In a quest to understand the reasons behind my behavior, I entered an intensive therapy program and the insight I gained was so valuable, I decided to share my story with others. Comes the Darkness, Comes the Light is a story of self-injury and redemption. By understanding some of the root causes behind my self-injury, I was able to go forward on a path to healing and have just celebrated my first year injury free!

I would love to have you visit my blog and respond to some of my entries!

yet another update....wooo

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i don't know.
i feel like everything isn't real.
i'm not real
like this isn't even happening.
i have no touch on reality anymore.
i'm kinda freaked out.

but anyway.
went to the gym ran a mile and did some weight training.
the usual.
not enough though

bought some soymilk.
100cals per 8oz.
going to have that every morning cos i'm extremely calcium deficient.
i almost black out often.

i hate myself.
i know that's cliche.
but honest to god.
i hate myself.
and am i even in existence?
does this exist?
maybe i'm talking to myself.
i think i'm getting worse.
sometimes i think my hands are disappearing

(no subject)

i keep having like hallucinations.
i thought i was bleeding from my side today
i was so freaked out.
that's when i normally cut.
but i couldn''t.
i didn't have anything to cut with.
i forgot it at home.
today sucked.
and the boy isn't talking to me.
i'm so fucking depressed.
i got hopeful that maybe someone finally liked me maybe would love me
and i got shutdown again
only this time i get the cold shoulder
i hate life
i HATE it.
i wish i would just DIE already!
somebody KILL me
After School Nightmare


I didn`t cut since november. I know I cannot do it. Because I cut too deep and scars are still itching.
Thinking about it all the time.

I want to be strong. I promised ;(
  • Current Music
    Moon Far Away - Sobiraetze Lubeznoi

(no subject)

how did i get this low?
i had a rule.
if i cut at all.
it's at home.
i fucking did it before school and in school.
and i ae macncheese :[ i made it with 1tsp. butter-23.3cals and instead of milk i used water so it was better but then i also had oreos and peanut butter.
i'm so worthless.
i'll never love myself.
i'll never feel good about stuff that other people wouldn't think twice about (the oreos and pb) >:'[
also today we went in the dark room for photography.
i had a panic attack.
i think only one kid noticed.
but i was honestly freaking out on the verge of tears.
mehhh gots to put new bandage on my finger.
i'm so stupid =\ 

(no subject)

this song is me. it says how i feel. it made me cry.

They've clipped my wings again
Tore them apart and then
Left me
No use to fly away to
My yesterday
Of freedom
My eyes died back that day
Seeing the hurt I may have done
Beat me instead of them
Pain is my only zen
Of fun

I'll go where secrets are sold
Where roses unfold
I'll sleep as time goes by

So hurting here is where I belong dreaming a song
Blood on my hands to stay strong
The flowers in the graveyard are all gone I don't belong
There is no right to heal the wrong
Soup's on hot feelin' like a do or die
I can't throw up don't think i even want to try

You still can't make me cry
You've pinned this butterfly
My fire's burning out
Kill my flame without
A frown
And starving hurts the soul
When you're hungry for
Some love
So if I close my eyes
I can really fly

I'll go where secrets are sold
Where roses unfold
I'll sleep as time goes by

So hurting here is where I belong dreaming a song
Blood on my hands to stay strong
The flowers in the graveyard are all gone I don't belong
There is no right to heal the wrong
Soup's on hot feelin' like a do or die
I can't throw up don't think I even want to
Tryyy- tryyyy- tryyyyyy
-Katy Rose


(no subject)

hi. i'm new.
i don't know if anyone cares.
i mean i'm obviously not the coolest kid in the world.
universe in fact.
just want to know.
what you do when people find out.
cos now. i have counseling like 3 times a week.
probably going to be on meds.
and i also was wondering why some of you do it.
if you don't mind me asking.   
After School Nightmare

(no subject)

Hello again. I hope Holidays was fun.

I just felt like posting here, so...
In fact I`m scared a little. I`m gonna tell my friend about my cuts so I`m scared...
She is really nice. She is a warm person. I know she`ll understand. I just don`t wanna her to be shocked, because she`s really precious to me.

Be well.
  • Current Music
    EAC - Nigel Kennedy & The Kroke Band - One Voice
After School Nightmare

(no subject)

Not too lively here, eh? Well, it should be, I suppose.

I`m still struggling. Because I REALLY want to find a job, good job, I want to be able to support myself. Then maybe move out and... fall in love?
Oh I wanna start a new life.

I wonder if I can. Wonder if I can find someone who`ll accept me.

Keep telling myself: "Hold on, hold on".... Still...

Oh well.
  • Current Mood
    tired tired
After School Nightmare

Think I`ll be here for a while.

Oh well. Hello everybody. I`m gonna be short coz my english is not so good (really sorry for that).

My life was pitch black until I was 17, my parents were fighting over and over again. And then... I was... thirteen I think. My mom kept on telling me that I am just an eyesore and should just go away or die. She was angry and frustrated but those words were just too much. So I ran away, crying. It was winter so it was really cold outside, and I decided to go into forest and then freeze to death there. Nice plan, eh?
Well I spent almost 2 hours lying under some big tree and thinking that I`m not even brave enough to die. I was in this forest carrying my schoolbag and there was a razor. Due to anger I hurt myself with it and then I felt at peace. Still don`t know why. And all bad things are just started to fade away. Pain was refreshing, thanks to pain I knew that I was alive.

So in the end I didn`t die there - as you can see now. But still, whenever I feel confused I always cut myself and then there is always peace. I just need more and more. Can`t stop myself, really. Can`t talk to my friends about something like that. Wondering why am I doing it and still doing it. It`s cold outside half a year so I don`t mind wearing something like roll-neck sweater, but still... still it`s scary looking at my arms and legs sometimes.

Oh well.